And Never Knowing
by NeoTroi79
Summary: It's like a drink of bourbon, but without the sting. Oneshot. Femslash implied. CHARACTER DEATH...you've been warned. Alex's POV in WPP.


A/N: Ok, because of popular demand, I wrote another oneshot! It's a lyrics-woven-in-fic using Rascal Flatts "What Hurts the Most."

However, I'm warning you right now...there is CHARACTER DEATH! did you see it? CHARACTER DEATH! If you're still here...read it, enjoy it... and don't forget to review.

* * *

I come out of my daze to the sound of the rain. I think I was sleeping. It was a black sleep…the kind that makes you forget where you are. Where am I? I take in the sorrowful melody of the downpour. It's pounding on the roof of this small cottage in Northern California. California. That's it. I'm near Seattle, I remind myself. I look around at all the things around me. This pastel, overstuffed couch in front of a bare coffee table. I am in a house under a name that is not mine. I take in all these things as if I have never seen them before. They aren't really mine yet…someday they will be. Someday I'll accept them as mine and forget that I used to live in the city. But not yet, I'm not ready yet.

It doesn't really bother me…crying that is. It's something about the rain I suppose. It makes it ok to cry. The tears slip down my cheeks without a destination. They tickle my skin, but it doesn't seem right to wipe them away. I used to hold it in all the time, but lately I've given up. There are just too many tears. I tighten my hold on the pillow in my lap and look out the pale green lace curtains into the blue of a Sunday afternoon. I've always wondered why rain makes some people happy.

I asked you once. You wrapped your arms around me. You told me it was peaceful, like it washed all the pain away. You were so warm. By God, I loved it in your arms. I never felt so happy. I look out the window again. The sky seems too bright for all this rain.

I'm ok. Really I am. It's been nearly a year since I last saw you. I have a job in legal aid now. I make it through the days. At first I couldn't, I remember. I used to break down at lunch. I made outrageous excuses. They should have fired me, but they needed someone with my experience…one of the top lawyers at a firm in Milwaukee. Milwaukee! What a lie that was. But now I'm ok…really.

My chin quivers as I take in a ragged breath.

Why doesn't anyone believe me? I'm ok! I swear! Believe me. My head drops as I realize there is no one here. I'm only trying to convince myself. Tears flood anew.

There is something to be said for last words. I said goodbye. Goodbye Olivia. The name is still sweet on my lips. It's not what I wanted to say. I shouldn't have said it. I start to shake and I've closed my eyes. Plunged in darkness I face the demon…the thing that hurts the most.

I never said it.

I never said that I loved you. I took for granted that you would always be there. That I could work up my courage and tell you properly. I was so close. You were right there. All the time…waiting for me. You were so patient. We were there, you and I. It was only us. And I walked away. I should have stopped it. I should have never gotten in that car. Do you know? All I wanted…all I've ever wanted…was to love you. Did you ever see it? Please, God, let her have known.

It's hard…it's fucking hard. I hate waking up every morning. I hate my fake name and this fake house. I hate the pain I carry around. This pain, this hole in the center of my being that is filled with lead. I drag myself around. I can barely force a smile when I see my co-workers. I'm sick of their questioning glances, their cold glares. I hate this life.

I'm alone! I want to scream. I want to explain. I left her in New York, standing at midnight in the middle of the road. It shouldn't be this way! I love her. Please…let me go back.

But I can't. I'm not allowed. They would track me. Those eyes that follow me everywhere. I would be stopped within two states of New York. They would rather shoot me themselves than let me go back. They don't say it. I see it in their eyes. This whole thing is my fault. It's my own fault. I don't realize what I'm doing until I've done it. I hurled the pillow at the raindrops on my window. It makes an unsatisfying thud on the floor. I'm standing. I let out a strangled cry and storm off to the kitchen.

I don't dare think about how I do it. How I get up every morning, how I drink my coffee and how I make it to work. I'm sure it surrounds me like a halo, my regret, my sadness. My broken heart that lies in shards on the carpet.

I pull out the bottle of bourbon and pour myself a shot. I take it quickly and pour another. You didn't think I wouldn't be tolerant of alcohol by now? How little you know of my life here.

You would hate me. You would hate what I've become. I show up to work drunk. I hate doing that. But I can't make it through the day. I let the drug burn my throat. At least I'm not crying anymore. God, I miss you. Please, just go away. I turn away from the memory. Please…just tonight…leave me be.

The tears threaten to break through. I would give anything…I would give up everything to see you one more time, to hold you just once…to tell you that I love you. I've loved you from the start. My excuses are pitiful; my body shakes with what I won't let out.

I smash the heavy glass into the tile floor. I hear the debris slide across the floor in an effort to escape me.

My unsteady hands snake into my hair. It's brown now. I pull at it. I pull at it as if I can take it off, I can shed this stupid mask, this filthy weak body and let go of my heart…my broken heart.

I lunge for the cabinets. I'm not sure what I'm looking for. I'm throwing open doors and empty their contents onto the floor. I just need noise, something to drown out myself. I pull out my silverware drawer and dump it on the counter. Ah, sweet, angry noise. After I have sufficiently coated my kitchen in pots and pans, I stop.

This is what it is like, lately. I lose myself. I lose myself in the memories, drown myself in regret.

There is a legal pad and a pen on the counter. I used to stop in the middle of dinner to write down some courtroom revelation…you used to laugh at me. There are more tears? God, I miss your laughter.

The pen is in my hands. I'm writing. I can't even tell what I'm writing about. All I know is I am going numb. I stop for a second to take a long swig from the bourbon bottle. It's not right. None of this is right. I don't belong here. I belong in your arms. I belong next to you. This has to end.

I know what I'm doing. Well, that is to say, I theoretically know what I'm doing; I've never actually done it before. My fingers clasp cold metal. I grip it until my hand starts to shake. My knuckles have turned white. Am I dreaming? If this won't wake me, nothing will, and in that case, nothing matters anyway.

Such sensitive skin I have. I didn't expect it to hurt that much. I cry out in surprise. I'm angry that even in my last hour I'm as weak as this. A long thin line of crimson dominates my vision.

Once there is one, the other is easier. I slide to the floor, knocking the legal pad with me. I am fascinated by this red liquid gathering in my lap. I can feel my limbs getting heavier. My vision moves in and out and I'm not sure what exactly I'm thinking about.

I'm thinking about you, what else. You should be here. My knight in shining armor. Please, this is my last request. Break down the door. Come and hold me as my life slips away. All I want is to see your face…

Oblivion calls to me and I don't register that I have fallen completely to the floor. My world is funneled into your picture, your voice, the way you move and your passion. By God, your passion.

I am startled into a moment of clarity. You would not want this. You would hate me for doing this. Would you even come if you knew? If you knew there was nothing you could do? You would hate me. I've seen too much to do this to myself. Please don't let me go.

I have to tell her. With a strength I thought I had given up I scramble for the pen. My handwriting is blurred because I cannot see anymore. I hope, at least I can do our forgotten love justice in these last words. My last words.

It is like a drink of bourbon, but without the sting. It's all consuming and it surrounds me like a cold blanket of ice. I let go. I give up. I finally give up.

I almost puked. It was my first body. It was horrible. Blood everywhere. One hell of a mess too. What could possess one to do something like this? I looked up questioningly as the chief handed me the stained yellow pad. "Bag it." He said.

I went to slide it into the plastic, but I couldn't help it. The words were beautiful, so sorrowful.

_I promise there is no pain. At least it is nowhere comparable to the pain of losing you. We were there. We were so close. I will never forgive myself for walking away. I don't expect you to either. But what hurts the most is the unknown, why fate split us apart. I can't go on without you. I cannot live in this torture, this every day regret where I am drowning and I don't care to save myself. This whirlwind is too much. I can't be this out of control any longer. I know you'd never forgive me if you knew. Please know now. God, please know, all I have done since I first laid eyes on you is try to love you. I failed. I have no other purpose, so I am finally letting go._

_I will love you until eternity._

_Alex_

The last part and the signature were different, messier. I let it fall into the bag and sealed it.

"Alex…wasn't her name Emily?" I asked.

"So says the driver's license." My partner walks up to me. He grabbed the evidence bag and reads the letter. "Too bad…she didn't write his name on it. There is no one to give it to."

* * *

Hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. It's ok to cry...I did too. 


End file.
